Carpe Diem or Caveat Emptor?

‘China, $500 return to Shanghai’, the inviting text message read. I have not been to China (I said) and in the spirit of my 2009 visit to Syria; I should probably go before WW3 or some sort of financial contagion – whatever happens first. After clarifying that my travel buddy D. actually purchased his ticket and a little permission granted on my homefront (don’t worry I purchased my ticket before I asked, but it is good to keep the appearance of formalities), my trip to China was set. SPOILER ALERT: I now have a better understanding and respect for China, experienced some cultural and extra-curricular activities that are as Asian as eating endangered species. On the other hand, I could have saved about $2500 by an afternoon visit to Chinatown (or almost any neighborhood in Vancouver these days) and smoking fumes from a car’s exhaust pipe.  But that would not have been a $2500 breath, and like all experiences in our luxurious lives on the bottom half of the 1%, good and/or bad – it’s worth it.

Part 1. Yin

Skyfall

After a 13-hour flight to Shanghai, we stepped into a simultaneous future and past. The future was a Day-Glo illuminated 400-km/ h maglev train into the neo-skyscraper clad charter city or business district of Pudong. From here a taxi driver courted us only to have an altercation as he tried to boot us into the dark monsoon as he (probably we) tried to renegotiate our fare midway. Thankfully money settles all problems as communist are the most capitalistic of us all and we made it to the hotel in the Bund area of Shanghai (the past). After a street rice bowl and Tsing Tao, we transcended into a downtown of countless people, traffic, symbols, brands, vice, and excesses all dancing in a systematic chaos that will soon reflect our world, not just China’s: All Drive, No Map (the future).

First Light or The Art of War

On November 1, we woke up to a city built for Vampires and Albinos. Like the fog of the Northwest, the smog of China would allow anyone who has severe UV sensitivity to function as freely as they would under the cover of night. As we strolled amongst the streets and allies of the Bund, we saw what vampires or parasites we humans really are. In a street bazaar of ‘fresh’ food, live snakes and frogs, chicken and fish, pigs and possibly a pet or two are carved in the least humane way possible – alive. The animal is not killed in a relaxed, kosher, and/or articulate manner and then carved; it is butchered not out of perversion or convenience, but out of conscience. This is a competitive place.

Top of the World

Shanghai has about 3 of the top 5 tallest buildings in the world and probably 80% of the top 100. And we partied on at least one of them. Not quite, but we did go to the roof-top of the Hyatt for a Saturday afternoon Champagne and Oyster orgy. Shanghai’s finest were out in their sartorial best to enjoy the excesses of what now goes as communism. The clientele was a multi-cultural Manhattanesque mash of domestic and foreign, legitimate and illegitimate, players and paupers partying the Saturday afternoon away. D.’s friend Andrei, an emerging starchitect (http://www.four-o-nine.com/) originally from Saskatoon and his entourage proved to be fantastic hosts who post party took us for the best dumplings, garlic cumin ribs, and foot massages (yes, only foot massages – surprisingly very legitimate) that only Shanghai can offer.

Take Me To Your Leader

After being the first 2 customers of the newly minted ‘Pret e Manger Shanghai’, we were fortunate to leave Shanghai when we did. Otherwise, we would have (and possibly should have) spent our whole trip there. But feeling cultural and a little guilt prone of potentially spending a week in China without visiting the Great Wall, we decided to make the 4-hour, 1200KM journey to Beijing. The bullet train zipped past the nuclear power plants and the cities rising out of nowhere to house the comrades of this industrial revolution. It may have been for show, or a make work project – but the summits and scars of China’s modern emergence are both monumental and horrifically amazing.

The Forbidden City

That was the feeling when we got into the taxi and tried to find the hipster hotel that the Wallpaper Travel Guide recommended. Somehow it had moved locations from the Forbidden City to the ancient but now chic Hutong area near Tinnemaan Square. Not a big deal, but even if St. Google helps one write and speak Chinese, it does not mean many people, in particularly Taxi Drivers will understand you. Anyway, we somehow made it after being dropped off in an underground parking lot, taking an elevator and turning left at the Peking Duck restaurant… or a variation of such actions.

Let a 100 Flowers Blossom

Chairman Mao’s famous edict served as a trap for dissidents. It’s ironic that a huge bouquet of flowers exists in the centre of Tinneman Square, probably the largest public space on the planet and possibly the start of the mass and momentum China has scaled too. The Forbidden City is vast, beautiful and reflects the past China once was. Erase these memories and forget the Great Wall, and Beijing is a cold polluted Hell on Earth. However like Hell, Beijing has it’s hotspots where the diplomatic, trade, and commercial corps drink expensive whisky and live as if they were a fragrance – substance beyond its weight. One such example is a friend we met through Andrei named Lin Lin, a compact force that is best described as an artist-in-residence for all of China. Her Jellymon business and hipster café in the Hutong (Beijing Slum/ Ghetto) are examples of the domestic creativity that may drive things to come and one day Made In China = Quality.

The Glory Days of Aviation

Remember when people wore suits on airplanes and travel was not only a luxury, there was a formality to it? I don’t, but I have seen photos. Flying around China is an experience. Prior to this trip, I thought my flight to India took the cake when a family of 5 decided to go to the bathroom together and they got stuck in the stall when the door broke! However the 2 domestic flights in China (to and fro from Chengdu incidentally) may have beaten it. En route, the fellow sitting next to me would not stop burping. From time to time, everyone burbs in public, but most people cover there mouth and relay an excuse me in whatever language they may speak. This fellow just let them rip like a chubby Buddha. Upon landing, he put on his Louis Vuitton backpack and walked away. I now associate Louis Vuitton with oral flatulence versus luxury or indulgence. But just when things can’t get even more unbelievable – they do. D. almost joined the mile-high club on our return flight to Shanghai. He happened to be seated next to an old man who must have coped with his flight anxiety by publically masturbating in his center seat.

White Male Privilege

An acquaintance mentioned that if you go to China, check out Chengdu. It is the Chicago of China. It is not an unfair comparison, but I would not recommend going. Nevertheless, a quick Google image search on Chengdu revealed it is home to the Panda reserves. It also showed people holding Panda’s and we thought – we need photos holding pandas. Chengdu is polluted, but has its merits; Sichuan cuisine, panda bears, access to the mountains. And, where the rest of the world has ended the rule of the white male, Chengdu welcomed us and let us to enter and drink orange juice and vodka for free in its nightclub. The next morning, even our kidneys were in tack.

Nether-region

We thought we were going for foot massages, but after about 30 seconds the ‘masseuse’ went right for the groin. I think they also offered to tie us up and lick our bums too. Normally, I have a ‘When-In-Rome’ attitude, but this was not Rome and these were not the masseuses of some Hollywood movie or from Thailand for that matter. They were probably closer to the age of my recently deceased grandmother, and (thankfully) I have yet to develop that fetish. D. may have, and no judgment as if he did, he did not give in and followed my exit.

Panda Diplomacy

The other reason people visit Chengdu, is to visit the Panda breeding facility. Pandas do not breed well in both the wild and captivity. Reason compound such as; Panda’s are really picky (not enough of them to use tinder), the females are never in the mood, and when the first two factors are overcome, the final one making reproduction difficult is the male panda penis tends to be so small, it cannot penetrate and they are almost permanently stuck at 3^rd base. Finally if they can copulate or birth via in-utero, they tend to accidentally kill their offspring as no maternal extinct exists. Nevertheless, they are cute and tasty. Sichuan cuisine.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

There is an issue in China with street vendors using sewer oil in their cuisine. Normally, I would not be too concerned as oil floats, lead sinks, and fire and liquor purify all – but the Chengdu cuisine of a beautiful street BBQ did have its much less beautiful and unappetizing effect.

Full Circle

Our return to Shanghai made us realize that we were lucky to leave early in our journey, because had we not; we would have probably stayed in Shanghai for our entire trip. Shanghai is probably akin to being in Manhattan in the 80s. Our return sparked some nearly epic eating, drinking, lounging in the French Concession district of the city with interesting global citizens who literally come from novel Le Carre professions of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, and Spy. Everyone had a story and my personal favorite where the Italians importing olive oil via Hong Kong to avoid the duties. Costa Nostra Marco Polo.

The Burberry Coast

I always find in my travels of the developing world – Burberry is a signal of ‘making it’. I saw a Burberry Sari almost 12 years ago in India and there is no shortage here. We went to a fantastic counterfeit market where knockoffs proliferate like the brands that inspire them. Good ones are now rendered illegal as China tries to enforce intellectual property laws, however name the brand and you will find an interpretation of it – complete with the ‘Made in Italy, France, Canada’ labels. In an electronics kiosk, I was even shot with a laser gun that burnt my palm. I was so tempted to buy it, but I try to travel light and I figured it might pose a problem with my carry-on.

All Night Long

Another highlight was attending a fabled Shanghai Pervert Party. It was a funny little nightclub/ fetish show whose only taboo really was the opulence of wasting premium liquor. Tables of young, rich, and sacrilegious Chinese drinking fancy champagne from syringes and mixing premium single malts with cola. No surprise that empires fall at times of their excessive extravagance, however nothing shows success like excess.

 

Part 2. Yang

The Neo Dynasty

Silk and their worms of origin are as Chinese as their complex history of over 4000 years. Dynasty’s have risen and fallen, re-emerged and disappeared as if they appeared and collapsed into a celestial wormhole where our time may have changed, but possibly China’s has not. The last 20 years have shown this renewed dynasty and it’s tilt of the earth’s orbit (Literally too – Three Gorges Dam).  The nomenclature has evolved with Emperors now called Chairmen and an Empire essentially an Incorporated Business, but the Orient has probably always been one.

Socialist Like Animal Farm

The Chairman of the Communist Party is now referred to in (translation) as CEO (as are other world leaders – CEO Obama is in Beijing today) and Inc. will most likely be soon applied to the suffix of every country.

Shopvertising

Food, Clothing, Shelter and Luxury Brands seem to be the basic needs of any modern society whose economy resembles a lottery winner. Shopping centers exist in almost countless varieties and push the finest French, Italian brands and of course Swiss watches. Due to high import tariffs, few actually buy anything in these stores and the staff will ask where are you from and please buy at home, Hong Kong or anywhere but here. Luxury realtors are making the market and investing in these stores as showrooms just as they (soon used to) buy advertising in Vogue or Vanity Fair to create insatiable demand that only increases as fulfillment is delayed.

Brace For Impact

As indicated with the All Drive, No Map comment earlier, China is reflective of the future. A large cause of the world’s problems, and probable solution as population density and pollution will force them to come up with results as they are the first into the fire, and thus will likely be the first out.  China is no longer a third-world place, but is not exactly first world either, which I think is where our western world and/or the rest of the world will be headed. Soon we all will live as if we are in a skyscraper – and our quality (and quantity) of live will be reflective of the floor we can afford to live on.